A Short Guide For Dealing With Grief (Labour 2015 Edition)

So you’re a rational, moderate Labour supporter whose party has just elected Jeremy Corbyn.

Struggling to come to terms with this massive electoral coffin nail? Don’t fret - here’s a handy (heavily bastardised) version of the Kübler-Ross model to help you through this trying time.

Now, unless you feel like jumping ship to the Conservative Party (come on in, the water’s warm!) there are five key emotional stages you’re about to go through whilst dealing with your grief. These are to be expected - after all, you’re mourning the death of your beloved Party - so don’t be worried.

Denial

Noooooo. No. There’s no way. He can’t have won - we need a recount. Or to challenge his election in court - all those infiltrators changed the result! And from what I've seen on Twitter, loads of people didn't receive their ballots in time to vote. We can definitely get this overturned.

This is the natural initial reaction. It will be tough to understand how a man who harbours such comically left wing beliefs could ever wrest control of a mainstream party. You cannot cling to the hope of it being overturned though - just shy of 60% in the first round is an overwhelming mandate. Your comrades on the left have made your bed for you, and you will have to lie in it (for a while).

Anger

Why is this happening? This isn’t fair! The electorate clearly rejected Leftism in May! Damn those delusional Lefties for dragging us into the political wilderness, damn them!

Now we’re getting somewhere. Let it all out, comrade, let it all out. You should feel angry. You should feel utterly incensed that this has happened to you. But anger, whilst cathartic, will get you nowhere - after all, if Corbyn’s supporters refuse to acknowledge any issues with his litany of ‘friends,’ then they’re unlikely to care about the rantings of a ‘Red Tory.’

Bargaining

I’ve read about the possibility of a Centrist rebellion. Maybe Chuka and Tristram can rescue us? After all, if we can oust Corbyn and his gang of old Trots next year, then we can easily rebuild in time to challenge at the 2020 election, right?

In a word, no. There will be a rebellion of some sorts, but with such a huge mandate, it’s more likely to be in the form of Shadow Cabinet resignations (Jamie Reed the first, immediately after the result) and refusals to serve than a full scale operation to remove Corbyn from power. Even if there was a successful coup to remove Corbyn, the damage has been done. The Conservatives can batter Labour over the head with ‘Corbynmania’ for years to come.

Depression

What’s the point then. We are no longer a viable political party. We are for all intents and purposes unelectable. Why bother continuing to campaign or even support Labour.

Can’t argue with you there. This stage will most likely last the longest. The realisation that Labour have truly shot themselves in both feet will cling to you like a wet rag, and you will be depressed about it. Really, really depressed. Every time you see the bedraggled figure of Corbyn taking yet another verbal beating at the dispatch box during PMQs, you will get that horrible sinking feeling in your stomach. Every time Shadow Cabinet member Diane Abbott pops up on Newsnight talking absolute guff, your heart will break a little bit more. Every time the sneering face of soon-to-be puppetmaster Len McCluskey appears in the press, you will relive the misery of today.

Acceptance

Oh well, if I can’t fight it, I may as well embrace it. Now where can I buy a cheap vest? And can I pull off a beard?

There you go - don’t fight it, just go with the (violently Leftward) flow. The depression is over, and the political numbness you now feel is forever. You’ll continue to vote Labour, and go along with whatever wacky, moronic policies your new leadership come up with. After a few years you’ll completely forget the sense of hope you felt just a few months ago. You’ll tell people that you were a Corbynista all along, and start attending protests and quoting Owen Jones. Acceptance is the final stage - you may not like it, but you’ll learn to live with it.